Land of a Mad King
by SimplySupreme
Summary: When experiencing a bout of writer's block, SimplySupreme suddenly finds herself transported into Alagaesia when Eragon opens the Vault of Souls. What will happen as madness ensues? There's only one way to find out... R&R! Rated T to be safe. I'm back!
1. My Computer Ate Me!

**_Hey all! SimplySupreme here! Welcome to the most fun I've had while writing in SO LONG! :)  
>Now, I know that I usually keep everything strictly IC in my stories, but I find that this would just be downright impossible in this instance. (You'll see.)<br>And I also know that this is just a fun way for me to get rid of writer's block, but I would really appreciate some feedback on this fun-loving tale! I reply to reviews on the bottom of this page, in a highly humorous manner (if I do say so myself). So please read, and please enjoy! :)_**

**Eragon POV**

Breathing pace rapidly increasing, Eragon stepped towards the glossy, enameled door, Arya following close behind. He had spent months trying to get to this point, and he could scarcely believe that he was actually here.

_"Go on, Little One."_ Saphira's voice sounded soothingly in his head. _"Speak your name."_

Heaving a steadying breath, Eragon stared at what he knew to be the Vault of Souls. It was amusing to him really, that all this time, it had been hidden in the most obvious place imaginable: Helgrind. Who would have guessed that it had been known so very long ago as the Rock of Kuthian? It had been a great risk to take to fly with Saphira and Arya here, so soon before the Varden were to lay siege to Belatona, but how could one ignore the advise of a werecat?

A soft pressure announced itself in the center of his back. He looked, only to see Arya nudging him even closer to the handle-less door.

Turning back to face it, Eragon began slowly, "My name is Eragon Shadeslayer…"

**SimplySupreme POV**

SimplySupreme sat worryingly at her desk, face illuminated by the white glow of her computer screen. Now, this wasn't an unusual occurrence in and of itself, as she spent quite a bit of time lounging around her house and bonding with her MacBook Pro, but the fact that her fingers lay limp on the keyboard _was_. The dreadful fact of the matter? SimplySupreme was suffering from an extreme case of writer's block.

"It's time for you to go to bed!" SimplySupreme's mother called out from outside her bedroom door in a weary tone of voice, "Put away your laptop; you have school in the morning!"

With a light sigh, SimplySupreme called out in a classic teenage-girl manner, "Just a sec mom!"

"You had better hope that 'Just a sec' actually means a time span of under five minutes!" her mother retorted through the door, before walking away down the hall to lecture SimplySupreme's little brother for not brushing his teeth.

Grumbling incoherently, SimplySupreme made to shut her laptop, but then stopped. Slowly, she again raised the screen to face her. Something decidedly odd was happening to her blank Word document. It seemed to be fading entirely! And in it's place, an image was beginning to take shape…

**Arya POV**

Satisfaction swept over her as she heard the wood of the door groan in response to Eragon's words. But for a moment, nothing happened. Then, with a startled cry, Eragon leapt backwards into Arya, tumbling the pair of them to the ground as the door to the Vault of Souls was blasted open in a massive gust of wind.

"Get _off_ Eragon!" Arya snapped crankily, shoving the boy to the side as she rose to her feet and dusted herself off with dignity.

Sheepishly, Eragon stood as well. "My apologies, Arya Svit-kona."

The elf responded with a noncommittal grunt, returning her attention to the vault. It was now open, but even with her fantastic elven eyesight, Arya could see nothing within but blackness. Hesitatingly, she crept closer, taking a firm hold on Eragon's wrist as she did so. The darkness was beginning to disperse, and a faint… something, was beginning to take shape.

**SimplySupreme POV**

Chocolate brown eyes widening in alarm, SimplySupreme gaped openly at her computer screen. Did she see… _people_ in there?

Suddenly, the image grew tremendously in clarity, and as the girl leaned in closer in an attempt to view the image even better, she suddenly felt as if an invisible force within the machine was pulling at her. "What the…" she began, but was never able to finish, as her head was sucked into the vortex that had opened in the center of the laptop. In the fashion of a child slurping spaghetti noodles, SimplySupreme's short body began to disappear after her head at a fairly rapid pace. And in no time at all, the rogue author was gone.

All that remained of her in that bedroom was her laptop, which was humming lowly. It was opened into a Word document that had remained stubbornly blank for hours on end, but that now read; _My name is Eragon Shadeslayer, the last free rider in all of Alagaesia._

**Eragon POV**

The rider gasped as _something_ tumbled from the vault, cannoning into poor Arya, and knocking the elf to the ground for the second time in thirty seconds. Whatever it was, it was screaming something awful.

"_Opfff!_" Arya gasped as the breath whooshed from her, causing Eragon to wince in sympathy. Her fall looked and sounded as if it had hurt quite a bit.

The thing had stopped screaming, and was stirring feebly atop of the elf. With sudden strength, it raised its head, and Eragon realized that it wasn't a _thing._ It was a girl.

Said girl's mouth dropped open at the sight of him. "Oh… my… gawd…" she choked, appearing as if she were about to pass out.

Eragon simply stared at her blankly. She was perhaps the oddest-looking female that he had ever set eyes upon. Apparently human, her long brown hair was pulled back from her face into a single bunch on the back of her hair by a brightly colored band. Perhaps twenty more of these bands were lining her bare forearms. The girl didn't wear a dress, as had most of the human women that Eragon had encountered, and not even a tunic and leggings as Arya did. Instead, she wore long, blue pants of a rough material Eragon couldn't identify, and a small, bright yellow shirt that only came down to her waist in length, with sleeves that barely covered her shoulders. On her feet were shoes of the oddest kind. They consisted of charcoal grey cloth with stiffer white material on the bottoms and toes. Tied with white string, the came only to her ankles. But perhaps the oddest of all was her face, which bore bright splashes of color above her eyes that brought out the natural tawny hue of the iris, and oil much like Arya had worn on the night of the Blood-Oath Celebration, which elongated and curled her eyelashes.

"_Mmmmfffffpphhhh!_" came Arya's muffled protest from beneath the girl, shocking Eragon from his musings. Hastily, the girl heaved herself off of the unfortunate elf and stood, offering Arya her hand. With wide eyes and tense features, the elf woman took it, and used it to pull herself up. The three of them stood there, facing each other.

In his mind, Eragon could sense Saphira's fear and concern. _"Do you need me to come in there, Little One?"_ she asked of him urgently, perfectly willing to claw her way through the solid rock of Helgrind to do so.

_"I… I don't think so…"_ Eragon answered uncertainly, _"But be ready for anything."_

In the meantime, the strange girl had been scrutinizing the pair of them, her features becoming more and more jubilant by the moment as she did so. Finally, just as Eragon thought she couldn't have contained more energy and excitement, she burst out in a voice teetering on the brink of a squeal, "Eragon? Arya?"

Shocked and extremely wary, the beings in question glanced at each other, and then nodded.

This time, the girl really _did_ squeal. She did so loudly and ear-splittingly. "OHMYGAWDIMUSTBEDREAMING! SOMEONEPINCHME, BECAUSE I AM TALKING TO ERAGON AND ARYAAAAAA!" Without any warning whatsoever, the girl, who Eragon was beginning to suspect was some sort of imp or minor devil, leapt forwards and took the both of them in what was possibly the most worshipful hug Eragon had ever experienced.

Utterly confounded, his eyes slid over to Arya, who wore an expression of complete confusion, much like his own. The girl was an anomaly greater than any either of them had ever encountered, and that was saying a whole heck of a lot…

**SimplySupreme POV**

SimplySupreme was in utter and complete heaven. Certainly, she was a bit upset that her computer had suddenly eaten her, but what had occurred _after_ this event made the uncomfortable sensation of plunging into the screen all worthwhile. _She was touching Eragon and Arya!_

The thought alone made her want to squeal again.

But if these people really _were_ Eragon and Arya… they probably had absolutely no idea how awesome they were, and absolutely no idea why a strange female was suddenly hugging them. Especially Arya. She just never seemed to be the hugging kind of person…

SimplySupreme released the pair hastily. They stood there, gaping at her, appearing slightly dazed. "Umm… let's see if I can remember this correctly," the girl muttered to herself, screwing her face up in extreme concentration. But then, inspiration seemed to come to her and she spoke up in a bubbly fashion, "Oh right! Atra esterni ono thelduin." She said politely, touching her lips in the elven fashion.

Judging by the expressions on Eragon and Arya's faces, she could have just punched them in the faces. "A-atra du evarinya o-ono varda." Arya finally stammered out, being the only one of the two capable of speech at the moment.

"Un atra mor'ranr lifa unin hjarta onr." SimplySupreme concluded happily, face stretching into a huge grin. "Goodness, I'm so _glad_ I remembered how to say that!"

One could have heard crickets chirping if there had actually been any crickets deep within the recesses of Helgrind, but SimplySupreme was in no way miffed. She wouldn't have cared if Galbatorix himself had been present, trying to slice her to ribbons with his sword. _She was in freaking Alagaesia!_ "Hey, Eragon, where are we?" she asked out of curiosity. She couldn't remember any dark rooms with mysterious doors being described in any of the books.

"The Vault of Souls." Replied the boy with a tremor in his voice that was quickly recovering. "Certainly you must know, for it was you who just came out of it!"

SimplySupreme shrugged. "Hey, don't ask me how I got here. And do you mean the Vault of Souls that Solembum told you about? Because that would be super-awesome!"

Eragon appeared as if she had just shattered reality in his face. In all fairness, perhaps she had.

"Hey, where's Saphira?" cried SimplySupreme suddenly, as if just remembering that a giant azure dragon should be present, but wasn't. "I really wanted to meet her, too! I've never met a dragon before. Or an elf for that matter." She nodded to Arya. "Honestly, you're just as pretty as I thought you'd be, if not more. And Eragon was right, you _do _smell nice!"

It was a wonder that Eragon and Arya didn't faint right then and there.

**Arya POV**

Whatever this girl was, she certainly wasn't normal. _But then again_, Arya admitted to herself, _I'm not normal either_. Yet at least Arya had the ability to remain _silent_. The child babbled aimlessly about, well… _everything_, for a solid half hour as they wove back through the tiny tunnel that had led them to the vault to where Saphira was waiting for them. And really, the depth of the child's knowledge was uncanny.

But Arya had had enough of the unnerving talk that so reminded her of Elva. "What are you called, child?" the elf woman asked suddenly of the girl, cutting her off mid-sentence.

The odd girl paused, deliberating. "Well…" she said hesitatingly, frowning slightly, "To you two, I'm known as SimplySupreme, but that's not any kind of _real_ name now, is it?"

Arya blinked.

"No, no. That would _never_ do." The girl muttered to herself. Another moment's silence, and she finally seemed to reach a decision. "I suppose you may call me by my nickname, Pie."

Raising her eyebrows, Arya was about to make a derisive comment when Eragon beat her to it. "Pie?" he repeated incredulously, "What kind of name is _Pie_?"

"What kind of name is _Eragon_?" Pie shot back irritably, "Your name is just as stupid as mine, so I would appreciate it if you would keep that sort of talk to yourself, or I'll tell Arya what Angela prophesized for you with the knucklebones."

Observing with interest Eragon's renewed pallor, Arya was just about to inquire of Pie just what she meant by this, when they abruptly stepped into glaring sunlight. They had reached the base of Helgrind.

Yet another agonizing squeal split the air as an excited Pie got her first glimpse of Saphira, who was standing, snarling, before them. But before the girl could attempt to give the _dragon_ a hug, Saphira pounced, pinning the girl beneath one massive, heavily taloned, front paw.

_"Who are you? How is it that you know so much about myself and my rider?"_ she demanded savagely, baring her terrifying fangs directly in Pie's face. Clearly, the dragon meant business.

But in answer to this, Pie, of all things, _laughed._ A high-pitched, incredibly annoying giggle burst from her mouth and increased in intensity until the girl was nearly crying. Arya watched in a mixture of mortification and amusement. What manner of creature wasn't afraid of a dragon? Clearly, Saphira had never encountered one.

"Oh, I'm so happy to have met you, Saphira!" Pie hooted, unfazed.

Arya shook her head in wonder. She had a feeling that she was going to like this girl.

**_Yes, my real-life nickname is, legit, Pie Girl. Don't laugh because you know you're jealous! *winks*_**

_See this button right here? Wonderful things happen when you click it. Honestly. It makes you awesome._


	2. I Nearly Crush My Big Green Eyed Baby!

**_Greetings, my children! How hast your lives been progressing? *pauses like they do in Dora the Explorer* Fantastic! Me too!_**

**_Now to business...  
>Yes, writer's block has struck again, but thankfully, I think this chapter has taken care of it! If I do say so myself, I find it to be a delicious combination of serious and hilarity! Heeheehoohoo! Enjoy the craziness!<em>**

**_And yes, before you ask, Arya probably IS pms-ing, judging by her violent mood swings._**

**_But I digress... Onward! :) _**

**Saphira POV**

A fresh wave of irritation swept over Saphira as the human-that-was-not, Pie as she was called, opened her mouth once more. It seemed that in the approximate five minutes during which the dragon had known the girl, she had paused her incessant babbling only to breathe. And unfortunately, the need didn't seem to strike the child often.

Noticing the dragon's expression of exasperation, Pie stemmed the flow of words and smiled apologetically at her. Then, she once again piped up, shattering Saphira's blessed moment of peace, "Sorry. I talk rather a lot, and I had forgotten that you don't like talking. I'll leave you be. Although…" Her expression turned to one that was mildly sadistic. "I'll bet that I could get even _Orrin_ to shut up, given a minute or two with him. He's fancied one of the most oddball figures in Alagaesia, aside from Tenga, but _I_ could give him a run for his money!"

Saphira blinked. Then, surprising even herself, she began to laugh. She could almost picture the pair together at this very moment; Pie blathering away and loud-king Orrin turning a lovely shade of sunset red as his mouth worked up and down, but could think of nothing to say. _What a sight that would be!_ She chuckled to herself.

"So sorry to interrupt this lovely little conversation," Arya broke in suddenly, an edge to her voice, "but we _really_ should distance ourselves from this accursed mountain as swiftly as we are able. We are not safe so deep within the empire."

Saphira watched curiously as Pie yawned unconcernedly. "Very well." The girl muttered, then so low that none but Saphira could hear, "Bossy."

Snorting in amusement, the dragon settled flat on her belly. Assuming Pie was like most humans, climbing the distance from the ground to Saphira's back would be a struggle.

And for the first time, the girl seemed lost for words. "I… I… Really?" she whispered, brown-gold eyes widening in her round little face as she realized what Saphira offered.

_"Infuriating and strange as you might be, I find I rather like you."_ The azure dragon huffed at the girl. _"Now mount quickly. This position isn't exactly comfortable."_

_ "Saphira… are you certain?" _came partner-of-her-life Eragon's concerned editorial within the confines of her skull, _"We haven't the slightest inkling as to who and what the girl is! It is a symbol of great trust that you permit her to ride upon your back…"_

Tenderly, Saphira nosed her rider. _"I am sure."_ She assured him,_ "Confusion is what I mainly feel when pondering Pie, not wariness. I don't believe her to be threatening."_

_ "Very well."_

Slowly, Pie began her ascent. She hadn't gone far however, when she let out a startled yelp and slid back down to the ground, landing less than gracefully on her backside.

**SimplySupreme POV**

SimplySupreme's cheeks burned with embarrassment. Really? Had she really just landed on her butt in front of her idols?

Yes. Yes she had.

"Bloody elves." She muttered as both Eragon (who had already sprung into the saddle) and Arya (who still stood on the ground) stifled giggles, shooting them two very evil looks. Once more, she attempted to heave herself up the slippery side of the dragon, and with a hearty shove from behind, courtesy of Arya, she succeeded, collapsing on the leather square with a huff. Feeling rather ashamed as the female elf scaled the mass of blue beneath her in two second flat, SimplySupreme settled herself firmly behind her.

"Are you certain that you wouldn't prefer to sit between us? There is a lesser chance of your falling." Arya frowned slightly at the girl.

Pulling the ponytail from her hair and shaking it out, much to the relief of her scalp, SimplySupreme smiled widely. "Absolutely certain. I'll be fine back here, and I'm sure that Saphira would never allow me to reach the ground." But really, she just wanted Arya to sit nearer to Eragon, being a hard-core EXA fan. _"You are very welcome, Eragon."_ SimplySupreme thought at the rider, not sure if he would hear. But judging by the stiffening of his body ahead of her, he most certainly had. The short dragon-laugh of Saphira signaled that she too, had heard the girl's words.

"What is it?" Arya interrupted suspiciously, looking from Pie to Eragon and back to Pie again.

Lumbering to her feet, Saphira told her, _"Nothing." _With that, she spread her mighty wings and launched herself into the afternoon sun.

SimplySupreme decided right then and there that riding atop a dragon was absolutely _nothing_ like riding her horse, Mimi, back home. For one, she was flung backwards and nearly toppled off the back of the dragon before her death grip on poor Arya's waist saved her. For another, she was screaming, which one _never_ did upon a horse, for fear that they would spook. But Saphira, being a dragon, was unfazed. Hyperventilation was Pie's first instinct regarding all of this, but she then guiltily realized that she was probably strangling Arya, and seeing as her main FanFiction story was POV Arya, she rather considered the elf her big green-eyed baby.

And what kind of author squeezed their baby into a hug-shaped mass of crushed fictional character? SimplySupreme did not want to know, so she loosened up a bit, allowing the elf to breath a little, holding herself on with the strength of her legs born of years on a horse.

Defying her original panic, SimplySupreme was beginning to have fun.

**Eragon POV**

It was a great suspicion of Eragon's that Arya's experience on the back of Saphira was not even a tenth so enjoyable as his. He rather doubted that Arya was as in love with Pie as Eragon was with Arya, so that was one factor counted out, and he also noticed that the elf woman did not seem to appreciate being squeezed half to death and screamed at. Not that Eragon _wasn't _being squeezed half to death by Arya, who was being pulled backwards by the deadweight of Pie, but it made him feel rather special instead of rather tortured.

And, come to admit it, he _was_ rather grateful to Pie for deciding the seating arrangements, despite her smug attitude about it. He would have told her so, but was still wary of the girl who had seemingly been inside of his head without his knowledge. What frightened him was Saphira had no such inhibitions, and he could only imagine the mischief the pair could wreak together.

After hours of flying, his dragon suddenly dove towards the ground, albeit more gently than she normally would have. _"Saphira, what are you doing?"_ Eragon asked her, alarmed.

_"Landing._" The dragon informed him. _"Darkness is falling, and we shall make camp."_

Eragon frowned. _"But why?"_ he asked, _"You aren't so tired that we can't fly through the night."_

_ "_You _aren't," _she chided gently,_ "but you are not the only one on my back. Look behind you."_

Eragon did so, and nearly slammed his face into Arya's. "Sorry." He muttered, craning his neck around her wide-eyed head to catch sight of Pie. Currently, she appeared to be snoring loudly, her mouth hanging wide open and her face pressed against Arya's back. It was slowly sliding lower and lower, distorting her features as it stretched until she muttered unintelligibly in her sleep and pulled it back up, restarting the process. Clearly, this was the reason Saphira had decided to land, and she did so with enough a jolt to wake Pie with a start.

"Oh my…" Pie murmured, blinking blearily and gazing around her with wonder, "I _wasn't _dreaming! Hello, I'm still in Alagaesia!" the girl ended in a singsong voice, "You three are still here, right?"

Three answering stares seemed to quiet her and resolve this.

"Why are we landing?" she asked, moving on with a little smirk, "We can't have reached the Varden already!"

"Why would you assume that's where we're going?" Arya snapped at her, stretching and massaging her back, which was clearly sore after its prolonged encounter with Pie's face. Unfortunately, her discomfort had not improved her mood.

Pie laughed at her. "Because you're the elven ambassador, and Eragon has sworn fealty to Nasuada. And also because we are flying south from Helgrind, which the elves are north of. Where else would we be going?"

The elf woman's mouth opened and closed one or two times, then she simply slipped down towards the ground and landed lightly. Eragon followed, amused, but refusing to show it for fear of offending Arya.

**Arya POV**

As Arya gazed up through her foul mood at Pie, she noted with amusement the single eyebrow creeping up the girl's eyebrow in extreme skepticism.

"I _sincerely_ hope that one or the other of you are prepared to heal me when I break my ankle!" she called down at them from Saphira's back, before slowly drawing her leg over the dragon's saddle and easing herself over the side. Arya stepped to one side in an effort to avoid the plummeting body, but was unable to avoid entirely Pie's impact with the ground.

"For _what reason_ do you keep _insisting_ on _colliding with me_?" the elf wailed as she hit the ground with the force of, well, Pie.

Groaning slightly, the girl pulled herself to her feet. "I honestly don't _mean_ to!" she mumbled a bit grouchily, "Just be glad I bathe every day."

With a light sigh of surrender, Arya accepted Eragon's proffered hand of assistance, and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She noted with an electric jolt the rider's rather handsome half-smile as she did so, but immediately shook herself of the thought.

_"We will be making camp here for the night." _Saphira told the girls with slight amusement, _"We could all use some rest."_

Moaning her agreement, Arya massaged her temples and plodded off to find a patch of ground unmarred by rocks and trees where they would be able to start a fire and spread their bedrolls. In the moments before the sun dipped below the horizon, she found one, and her companions trotted over. With her great tail, Saphira swept the brush away, and Pie made herself useful by gathering twigs and dry branches to use for firewood, which she piled in the center of their little clearing for their use. Arya, for one, had just begun to gather food from the travelling packs when the girl completed her task, and Eragon knelt to ignite the fire. The elf woman sniggered when Saphira clearly decided that Eragon would take too long in doing this, and blasted the bare circle of wood with the fire from her gut, nearly incinerating her rider, who leapt back indignantly.

"You could have burned me!"

_"But I didn't."_

"It would make me more comfortable if you took greater care where you aimed."

_"No."_

"What? Why ever _not_?"

"_Your wards would protect you."_

"That's not the point."

_ "Then what _is _the point, oh wise one?"_

"Never mind then, oh sadistic one."

_"I thought so."_

With a huff, Eragon hunkered down by the now blazing bonfire in a rather surly manner, ignoring Pie's poorly smothered laughter. Arya too, struggled with her mirth, but was more successful in containing it than Pie was. Even so, she quickly ducked into the food pack and emitted a false sneeze.

Eragon then roused himself from his seat and rummaged through Saphira's saddlebags until he emerged with two bedrolls, which he spread carefully by the fire as Arya began to distribute fruits and vegetables among the three of them. _The three of us… _"If you wish, you may take my bedroll for tonight Pie." Arya murmured as she placed a small roll of bread into the girl's hands, "Once we reach the Varden tomorrow, we shall see to it that you are given one of your own."

"Thank you, Shadeslayer Arya." The girl responded, eagerly devouring the bread at lightning speed. But through her mouthful of food, the elf woman just barely heard her mutter, "_And five, four, three, two, one, zero…_"

"Take my bedroll Arya," blurted Eragon, right on time, "I have no need of it."

The elven princess stared incredulously at Pie, who grinned at her, and then back to Eragon, bristling.

But Pie intervened. "Allow me to shorten this conversation." She said diplomatically, not looking up from her food, as apparently her words did not require much thought. "Arya will complain about how Eragon is always treating her like a weak human woman by being polite, and that she is perfectly fine on the ground. Eragon will dispute this passionately, and insist he has nothing but respect for her. Supposing Arya does not immediately accept this, he will continue on with ridiculous determination until either she agrees just to get it over with or he makes at least a semi-convincing argument. Perhaps something about the sexism of humans will pass through the conversation, but it will make little difference. Arya, just take the bedroll."

As she felt she had been doing for the majority of the past few hours, Arya simply stared at Pie with disbelief, as did Eragon. But Saphira clearly found the girl's words to be endlessly funny, and, slapping her great tail on the ground, chortled, "_She has just described the your everyday interactions with one breath! Perhaps excluding the battles… but honestly… it was all there!"_

Scowling blackly at the dragon, Arya felt herself blushing scarlet. But new suspicion nudged at her. "Speaking of which…" she hissed at Pie, "I think that we'd _all_ like to know who you are and what you're doing here."

The girl sighed. "As I have stated most clearly before, I am SimplySupreme, and also Pie. As for what I am doing here… can't _you_ tell _me_ that?"

"We had hoped that within the Vault of Souls was contained something that could assist in defeating in Galbatorix." Came Eragon's barely audible whisper, "Could you do that?"

Appearing slightly guilty, Pie frowned and admitted, "I don't know. Where I come from… life is pretty easy. I've never held a weapon before: not in reality, anyways. I… I'm a writer. I go to school, I ride my horse, and I write. I read as well. That's where…" she hesitated as Arya, Eragon, and Saphira appeared mortified, "But I _do_ know quite a bit about Alagaesia. A lot, actually. But what I know the very _most_ about is _you_ Eragon!"

Skeptically, the man raised an eyebrow.

"Oh wow…" Pie winced. "That sounded _really_ creepy. Sorry. But honestly, it's true. I know what you have thought and felt since the moment Durza ambushed Arya, Faolin, and Glenwing."

A pained gasp ripped itself from Arya's throat. Instantly, _her_ memories of Durza's ambush, of the deaths of her friend and also her lover, pounded through her skull. A desperate and wild hope raced through the elf as she recalled that Pie hadn't known how Arya had felt, only Eragon.

"I'm sorry Arya, that they died. I really am. But you need to keep your head right now." Pie scolded her gently, and the elf gulped at the air, steadying her racing heart. "I really don't know for certain," continued the girl on her monologue, "but I think that you don't _need_ more power to defeat Galbatorix, even though he has the dragons' Hearts. I think that you have everything you need, right here." She gestured universally towards her three audience members. "And _I'm_ only here to make you realize it."

**Saphira POV**

Under normal circumstances, Saphira wouldn't consider discussions about inner strength that motivating. For who needed inner strength when one had the outer strength of a dragon? But the message that Pie had just delivered was, Saphira had to admit, rather inspiring, if not poorly received.

The strange-smelling as well as odd-looking girl took only a few moments to begin snoring as silence ensued and they opted for slumber, but for hours, Arya stayed awake, sniffling most pathetically about her beloved _Faolin_ when she thought Saphira couldn't hear. Honestly, the woman needed to suck it up. As for Eragon, Saphira could feel him dreaming peacefully about said pathetic elf, and he seemed quite pleased about this arrangement.

Saphira snorted.

Children.

**_Did you guys lol and rotgl? Yes? Then my mission has been accomplished. No? Go away. (jk I love EVERYONE who reads and ESPECIALLY those who review *hint*)_**

**_Replying to Pie in the Face...  
>Without fail, you make me laugh when you type! Heeheehahahohohehe! XD<em>**

**_Replying to Sugarplum Fairy...  
>Aw... well I'm glad that I could make you happy! Good luck with your math exams, anyway. (Are they not GROSS?) I hope today was better than your crappy day... :)<em>**

**_Replying to MelanMel10...  
>Well gorsh... *blushes* You're embarrassing me!<em>**

**_Replying to DarknessBecomesMe...  
>Haha my mom looks at me strangely ALL THE TIME! *winks*<em>**

**_Replying to Inkweaverabc...  
>Oops! Oh well... I hope there wasn't anything too severe in this entry! (I know you'll find it if there is, so I'm not too worried!)<em>**

**_Replying to MyLifeMyRules...  
>Hey, that's awesome! Reading is so much cooler when you know the author a bit more! <em>**


	3. My Cell Phone Pukes!

_Before you read this chapter, please note that the majority of it was written under the influence of sugar. Namely, chocolate. I am not responsible for any mishaps that may occur before or after reading my freakish story, and I most certainly do NOT want the DEA knocking on my door tomorrow morning._

**_*whew* Not that that's over..._**

**_In approximately 24 hours I will be leaving for Disneyland! *hyper* YES! I hope y'all are ready for my crazed brain when I get back, because it'll be a doozy! As for this chapter, there is not much in it in the way of seriously important plot points (next chapter) because I really wanted to solidify the relationships between the characters before I begin the uber-exciting parts. But, I am still amusing, and my fanfiction self has been given a deadly weapon. (Do NOT call the police! Yet...) You know what? Why am I even still typing up here? The awesome can be found below. Enjoy!_**

**Arya POV**

A startled shriek tore Arya from her relatively peaceful slumber. Gasping, she jumped to her feet, fighting off her bleariness, only to be confronted by Eragon's nervous laughter. His giggles increased in strength until he was genuinely chortling above the offended protests of Pie.

Irritated that she had been woken in such a manner, Arya tore her gaze from Eragon, who could barely breathe, and directed it towards Pie. Admittedly, the elf woman was at first frightened at the sight, and muffled her own sudden yelp, but she quickly realized how comical a scene it actually was.

Pie did not appear to be in a good mood. Her long brown hair, which had previously been so smooth and tumbling, stood on end at every angle, knotted and twisted, and was filled with debris such as dirt, leaves, and twigs. At the moment, she appeared to be so entangled in the bedroll that it seemed futile to even attempt to escape, and the makeup which had earlier served to enhance her natural beauty had run over the night, forming massive black stains about her eyes. All in all, it appeared as if she had been rolled around in a mud puddle, even though no such thing had actually occurred.

"It's not _funny_!" Pie screeched defensively as Arya laughed just as hard as Eragon had, sitting down on the ground and clutching at her sides. "Just because _you _can sleep in these infernal death traps you call bedrolls doesn't mean that _I_ can!"

Eragon simply shook his head and continued to gasp for air, but Arya took pity on the girl and attempted to free her from the bedroll's hold, which proved to be just as exceedingly difficult as she had suspected it would. But through perseverance, Pie was finally freed.

Standing awkwardly, the girl attempted to smooth the wrinkles in her brightly colored clothing with limited success. But by this time, Saphira had woken up, and, taking one look at Pie, smiled a malicious dragon-smile that sent shivers racing down Arya's spine.

_"Bath time._" Came the dragon's ominous pronouncement.

**SimplySupreme POV**

It wasn't as if she was a dirty person, SimplySupreme told herself. On the contrary, she had excellent personal hygiene, which she supposed made up for the mediocrity of the teenage boys' at her school. But when one is told that one is going to receive a bath by a massive sapphire dragon… well… her fear was entirely warranted.

Crowing with mischief, Saphira launched herself from her resting place straight into the air. Gaining height, she swooped higher and higher, and SimplySupreme made the mistake of hoping that perhaps the dragon might leave her be. But with finality, Saphira halted her ascent and glided downwards in an easy spiral straight towards where the girl stood rooted in place, mortified, and plucked her up into her talons.

"Saphira put me dooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnn!" SimplySupreme screamed, her voice being snatched from her lips by the wind. She could see Eragon and Arya running on the ground below her. Perhaps they would help her…

But then Saphira did the unthinkable. She let go.

With a magnificent splash, SimplySupreme was dropped head first into a small lake.

Dazed, she hung suspended in the water for a moment as hundreds of tiny air bubbles tickled her skin on the way up towards the surface. Then, despite the deadweight of her sodden clothes, the girl kicked herself up into the air, coughing and spluttering. For a moment, she treaded water. Then, alighting on the shore, Saphira gave a playful roar and SimplySupreme could not restrain her goofy grin from spreading across her face. "You'll pay for that one Saphira!" she called out cheerfully as she noticed that Eragon had arrived on the shore as well, appearing horrified. (Arya, as always, seemed impassive.)

"Do you need me to come in and get you, Pie?" he shouted across the water, concerned.

The girl laughed at him and retorted, "If you can catch me!" She then heaved a breath and disappeared beneath the water, slipping through it like a fish. (SimplySupreme was a very adept swimmer, having spent nearly every waking minute of her summers growing up in Arizona in one pool or another.) Surfacing not far from where her companions stood uncertainly, the girl flung one arm back and splashed the both of them full in the faces before doing a backwards somersault and taking herself far out of their range, giggling.

To everyone's surprise, an expression of youthful competitiveness crossed Arya's face, and quickly, she shed her weapons and boots. She then leapt right into the water with a masterful cannonball, dousing Pie and Eragon alike in a respectably large wave of water. Laughing, she surfaced, ebony hair plastered to her face and neck.

SimplySupreme was dumbfounded. _I am swimming in a lake having a splash war with an elf. Arya the elf. What on _Earth _did my mother spike my dinner with?_

Grinning, Eragon too stripped himself of his weaponry and boots, as well as his tunic, and plunged into the waters of the lake with the others. But Saphira was not to be outdone, and _her_ entrance produced a tidal wave of such proportions that SimplySupreme, Eragon, and Arya were all washed back onto the pebbled shore.

Breathless with mirth, SimplySupreme heaved her sodden self to her feet and wrung out her hair as best she could and peeled the hair ties from her wrists and arms, as they were beginning to itch. She made to place them into her pocket, but then she froze. In all of the excitement of suddenly finding herself in what was undoubtedly a hallucination of one of her favorite obsessions, she had forgotten something very important, which was at this moment, still in her pocket. Frantically, SimplySupreme yanked free of her jeans the only object that she had ever loved as much as her laptop: her cell phone.

"Oh, _no_!" she wailed as she repeatedly flipped the screen open, but it remained stubbornly black, "Come on baby, _live_!" Punching the buttons, her voice was tinged with desperation. Her phone was her life, and if she had really just killed it, it would be third one in the row that had met its demise via drowning. The girl shuddered at the memories of the previous two… incidents. They had involved a washing machine. Still clinging to her last, desperate hope, SimplySupreme clicked open the back panel to expose the battery compartment. Sure enough, the indicator was a livid red.

"What is that?" Eragon's voice was filled with the curiosity that the girl had only read about. He was gazing at her phone with bright interest over his shoulder.

Ill-temperedly, she tossed it away from her. "Nothing. Not anymore. My mother is going to _kill_ me."

"Why?"

"Because that is the third cell phone I've murdered in about two years."

"What's a cell phone? And if it is an object, how can it be murdered? It looks perfectly whole to me. What's wrong with it?"

Bemused, SimplySupreme gave the boy a look of high amusement. "I don't believe I will be the first person to tell you this, but your questions are endless, and many are best left unanswered."

Eragon appeared unabashed, and opened his mouth to undoubtedly inquire further when Arya's faint voice cut him off. "Pie…" she murmured suspiciously, "Perhaps you should come and see this."

Frowning, the girl obeyed and trotted over to where Arya was kneeling near to where her phone had fallen. The screen was flickering faintly, and the elf was edging away from it with marked wariness. Wildly, SimplySupreme cried out with joy as she thought that her phone might still live, and she knelt at Arya's side, gingerly reaching out to touch it.

But the image forming on the screen was most definitely not that of the Earth labeled with the inspiring message of _"Save the planet. It's the only one with chocolate"_. No, it was far from that. Rather, it was a backpack.

Probably the most boring wallpaper ever.

Ever.

But much in the fashion of how SimplySupreme herself had arrived into Alagaesia, that backpack was sucked into her new reality with astonishing speed. If the girl was any less mature than she was (which was _very_) she might have said that her phone threw up a blue plaid Jansport. But she would _never_ resort to humor that… male.

Saphira, who had lumbered over to investigate, snorted at the strange scent of the bag, muttering, "Why is it that random objects keep appearing to us when we are merely minding our own business?"

But SimplySupreme did not answer this as she eagerly snagged the backpack and unzipped the main compartment. A white envelope was lying across the top of whatever the contents of the bag happened to be. The girl seriously considered flinging it to the side and continuing to tear through the blue bag's contacts, but she remembered her manners, which was a rather rare occurrence, and opted to read the note that had been left to her.

"What does it say?" Eragon asked annoyingly, attempting to read over her shoulder as she tore the envelope open to reveal a page of crisp white printer paper.

Glaring at him, SimplySupreme hid the note with her body, snapping, "Just let me read it!"

Reluctantly, the rider backed off to the smothered laughter of Arya, and allowed the girl to investigate in peace. The letter was extremely short, but it was typed. It said, "_To my newest little warrior, I suppose you are rather astonished to find yourself where you are. Who wouldn't? But in my desperation, I have decided to recruit you for my own amusement. But I really couldn't have you stealing Arya's belongings and being useless forever, now, could I? So, being the equivalent of God, I've decided to help you out a bit. Make good use of this stuff, will you? Sincerely, The Author"_

A supreme being had sent her a blue plaid backpack. All right. She could roll with that.

Eagerly, SimplySupreme attempted to dig into the bag, but was started to find Arya's delicate but firm hand on her shoulder. "I believe you owe us an explanation. What _is_ this?"

SimplySupreme shrugged. "And _I'm_ supposed to know?" Arya left her alone. The first thing that the girl pulled out of the bag was, thankfully, two changes of clothes. _Cute_ clothes. There was another pair of jeans and black converse as well as a snap up pink camp shirt with (ahem) an accompanying set of underclothes, as well as a sunflower yellow sundress with strappy white sandals. SimplySupreme grinned. She was particularly fond of yellow.

"You wear odd things, Pie."

"Shut up Arya. At least I have better taste than all black leather."

"How _dare_ you!"

"Oh… _So_ scary."

Gently placing the clean clothes to the side, the girl once again dug into the backpack, withdrawing possibly the most beautiful object that she had seen in seemingly forever. In the bag was a massive Costco-sized sack of little individually wrapped dark chocolate truffles. "Oh _YES_!" she howled, fumbling with the package to get it open. She was addicted, and she meant _addicted,_ to chocolate. Honestly, she went through some pretty extreme withdrawal symptoms when she didn't get regular doses of the stuff. And obviously, the mysterious benefactor had known or at least suspected this. With a groan of appreciative ecstasy, SimplySupreme popped one of the candies into her mouth, and it released a blast of chocolate-y goodness almost immediately. Closing her eyes, she savored the moment, as a true chocolate junkie should.

"What's that?"

SimplySupreme gazed lovingly at her bag of chocolates, then to Eragon, Arya, and Saphira's curious faces, and back again. She did _not_ want to share. But the elf, rider, and dragon were all decidedly awesome, and the girl really did want to impress them. Reluctantly, she unwrapped three of her treasured chocolates and handed two of them to her fellow humanoids. The third she tossed into the air and watched as Saphira snapped it up mid arc. "Chocolate. The best food ever." The girl commented, smiling a little at the expressions on all three of their faces.

Tenderly, she closed up the bag and laid it next to her new clothes.

The next three objects SimplySupreme did not remove from the bag. But she knew them well enough by touch to know exactly what they were and why they should remain there. They were her old, well-worn copies of Eragon, Eldest, and Brisingr. Yes, these would be decidedly useful. She just wasn't quite ready to reveal their existence yet. (She had a sneaking suspicion that Eragon wouldn't appreciate the rather embarrassing thoughts and feelings of his concerning a certain elf revealed to the world, and Roran would appreciate the intrusion even less.)

Numerous smaller objects lined the lesser pockets of the blue backpack, as the girl soon discovered. Chief among them were a flashlight (the kind with a lever that you pump to generate its power, so that it could operate independently of batteries) a hairbrush, a toothbrush and toothpaste (SimplySupreme sighed in gratitude, having worried over her lack of these considerably during her restless night) a blank notebook and pencils, and one object that the girl hadn't the faintest idea how to use. And this object was a long dagger with a sheath and belt.

Holding it up quizzically pinched between two fingers, the brunette stared at it as if it were an alien come to insist upon being taken to her leaders. The chocolate was useful. But a knife? Really? But as she pulled it from its sheath, she amended this observation. Two knives. Double blades. Their ornate hilts were plain and black, studded sparsely with tiny diamonds, but their blades glowed with a faint silvery sheen and hummed with elusive energy.

Oh the violence. What was wrong with merely calling Galbatorix a big stupid-head? Nothing really, excepting the fact that the knives were pretty awesome, and that name-calling did not involve knives and permanent maiming. Bummer.

But the weapons were the only objects that did not seem to confound her new companions, leaving SimplySupreme to wonder what kind of world had knives but no chocolate.

**Eragon POV**

Eragon had never tasted anything so wonderful in his life. The smooth brown candy, chocolate, as Pie had called it, was simply astounding. It was even more astounding than the other contents of the bag, which were quite astounding, as astounding went. But Eragon, being Eragon, was possessed by his insatiable curiosity once again, and was soon enamored by Pie's new supplies. With the exception of the enchanted fighting knives, they were all fairly strange to him.

"Afylk." Arya blurted at the sight of them.

Turning around, Pie looked at her. "_What_?"

Appearing slightly embarrassed at her outburst Arya amended her statement. "Afylk. Fighting knives. They are carried by close-combat-oriented elves."

"Wonderful." Pie muttered in response to this, "The pointy objects have a fancy name." Glumly, she began to pack her new possessions away into the lurid blue travelling pack, including her once again useless cell phone. "I want to change." She then announced to them.

"Change what?" asked Eragon.

"My clothes."

"Why?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just for the heck of it!"

"Really?"

"No!"

"But then…"

Saphira, unable to stand it any more, intervened. "_Little One, just let her do as she wishes. Are you honestly so deluded that you think you would win if it came to a fight? Females tend to defend their daily routines with a passion, you know."_

Scowling, Eragon took the advise of his dragon and left Pie with Arya as she changed her clothes. He himself returned to their impromptu campsite and packed their supplies back into Saphira's saddlebags, which he loaded back onto her back, obliterating the overly conspicuous traces of their stay once this had been completed. Not that it was truly necessary; the rider was simply bored.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the high-pitched babble of Pie's voice drifted to Eragon's ears, signaling her imminent arrival. As the pair crested the hill, the rider could see that she and Arya had clearly been busy. Not only was Pie decked out in her clean clothing, but her long mahogany hair had been pulled away from her face in a severe plait of an intricate kind unfamiliar to Eragon. Arya's inky tresses as well had undergone the same treatment, leaving her pristine features unusually exposed to the world around her.

"That looks good on you, Arya." He commented off-handedly, fussing with a few straps on Saphira's saddle that there really was no problems with.

Pink frosting her fine cheekbones, the elf replied, "I… Thank you. Pie showed me how to do it."

Pie for once said nothing, and merely fiddled with the edge of her rose pink shirt. But Saphira harbored no qualms about temporarily filling her shoes. _"Come on then. We should get into the air and to the Varden to show Lady Nightstalker our new catch. Besides, the three of you could use a bit of drying."_

Beaming, Pie scuttled clumsily up Saphira's side and into her saddle, this time succeeding in doing so without an embarrassing fall. Rolling his eyes at Arya, Eragon followed.

It would be interesting to see how loud Nasuada would scream when Pie started talking.

**_Yes. I have skills with french braids. And Eragon thinks Arya is ssshhhhmmmmeeeexxxxxyyyyyy! (Eragon and Arya, sittin' in a tree! K. I. S. S. I. N. G!) I am very mature. Can you tell?_**

**_Replying to WhiteWinterStar...  
>Hooray for chick fights! *dances* Mega sword slice!<em>**

**_Replying to Inkweaverabc...  
>I think I'm just gonna keep Arya readers on their toes with her violent mood swings for now! *winks*<em>**

**_Replying to DarknessBecomesMe...  
>Just so you know, I have the next IAA chapter written, it's just in the process of being beta-ed right now. If you are super bored, just yell at team Pyrite!<em>**

_Some people think the question is to be or not to be, but the question is REALLY who will Pie victimize next and how? Have the answer? Leave your suggestions in a review! :)_


	4. Eragon Is Saved By An Elf Slap!

**_Ugh guys I'm sorry! I know this update is pretty late, but I've had stuff happen in my life as well as finals at school and you want to know the worst part? I had this chapter ready THREE DAYS AGO and I left my computer for something and I NEVER SAVED and someone had exited out of all my crap! *cries* I worked SO HARD! *cries again* I couldn't gather the strength to type 3,000 words ALL OVER AGAIN for quite some time, but here I am!_**

**_My trip to Disneyland with my band was very fun by the way. I saw the Hollywood sign and went into Universal Studio's House of Horrors. I just about peed myself, but it was worth it. :)_**

**_Anywho for this chapter, I introduce a hot new OC! (Because I got a complaint that I didn't act my age, I hope y'all are happy.) I don't think this is as funny as before, seeing as how my mood was not so great when I REWROTE THE WHOLE THING so I apologize in advance for that. *grovels in the dirt* BUT the plot DOES thicken *suspenseful music* and the inside of my head is revealed! (I got the idea when my brain wouldn't function for four whole hours due to about 15 songs stuck in it all at once.)_**

**_Enjoy my strangeness, and have a slice of cherry pie! :D_**

**SimplySupreme POV**

The sight below her was pathetic. SimplySupreme wouldn't have minded if it were pathetic in its _own_ right, but what specifically made the Varden on the horizon pathetic was the fact that it wasn't intended to be so. It was intended to be impressive, and it was not this under any circumstances.

Certainly the Varden had won a series of important battles against ever-rising odds, even now being well on its way to Belatona, but SimplySupreme had always imagined the group to be a bit more… grandiose… than a few tens of thousands of hygiene-challenged people crammed into close quarters, where personal space was a mere figment of imagination. SimplySupreme wasn't quite sure what she had expected of the legendary fighters, but it certainly hadn't been this.

"Ugh…" she exclaimed softly as Saphira landed amid a rabidly cheering crowd, her gag reflex kicking in as a pungent wave of BO and other scents she didn't care to name violated her nostrils. "Don't these people ever bathe?"

Arya chuckled softly. "No."

Well, that was one question answered.

The crowd jostled alarmingly around Saphira's gleaming flanks as the vast crowd of humans attempted to press inwards as close as they possibly could to their dragon rider, and SimplySupreme cringed involuntarily. The effects that never bathing had on acne were horrifying, to put it lightly.

**Arya POV**

It was with considerable relief that Arya sensed the elven guards drawing near, viciously elbowing their way through anyone who stood in their way. And they were just in time, as she could feel the stares of the mob of the Varden slowly being diverted from the dragon to her riders, and one very odd rider in particular, who had leeched onto her back in a manner that caused the elf woman to suspect she might never let go.

_"Greetings, Blodhgarm."_ Arya muttered to the now visible elf after the formal salutation had mentally been observed, offering the same to the others who had joined him. _"Would you be so kind as to escort us to Nasuada?"_

_ "Certainly." _He responded suavely, _"So long as I am introduced to the strange female sitting behind you, that is."_

Arya shot him a severe glance. _"You may request that information of Eragon, if you wish to know immediately, as I have no inclination to iterate all that has occurred to us more than once, and I shall not speak of her before this crowd even if that were not true."_

Betraying nothing more of his irritation than a barely noticeable twitch of his facial expression, the blue-furred elf did as Arya had requested before, and began to clear a path through the crowd for Saphira. They began to move forwards within an honor guard that had quickly formed about them. Arya felt Pie snort with laughter against her back, and the elf turned towards her questioningly.

"They… they… think they are…" the girl didn't finish as she was giggling much to hard, causing Arya to nudge at Eragon with an expression of bewilderment. Seeing this, the man began to laugh as well, causing several of the elven guards to shoot Saphira's riders strange looks that were completely and utterly ignored.

_ "You would do well not to draw attention to yourself in this way, Pie. As a novelty, you may very well receive unwelcome attention." _Saphira commented dryly, causing the girl to (at least attempt) sober up immediately.

"Y-yes Saphira." She hiccupped, expending visible effort to keep a straight face.

Arya just wondered what it was that she found so amusing.

**Nasuada POV**

The commotion that ensued at Saphira's return was tremendous. Even from within her fairly turbulent pavilion, the woman could hear the shouts clearly from their very beginning. So, when a babbling soldier tumbled up to her spouting something about the return of the dragon rider, Nasuada hurried him on his way and continued with her task at hand, which was reviewing a list of their dwindling supplies. She knew that Eragon, Saphira, and Arya would waste no time in reporting to her, their loyalties being firm.

Sure enough, the roars of a jubilant crowd could only be heard more clearly with each passing moment. With a light sigh, Nasuada rose fluidly from her chair and stepped briskly out of the tent to greet the returning heroes. Faithful Nighthawks surrounding her, the woman stood patiently as, from among the tents before her, Saphira slowly emerged, and from the tents from her right, Orrin rode up on his stallion.

"I see that the people are rightfully enthusiastic." He commented dryly, his round baby face in its attempt at seriousness giving Nasuada quite a bit of amusement. "Shall we rescue them?"

But this turned out to be unnecessary, as Saphira's riders soon were able to dismount and follow after Nasuada and Orrin, who had already swept themselves within the pavilion.

_"Greetings, Nasuada, Orrin."_ Saphira bugled, popping her head through the flap in the side of the crimson canvas.

"Saphira." They responded in unison. Orrin then began to pester her about some trivial matter that Nasuada lacked the energy to pay much attention to, as her eyes had locked on the three new figures ducking into the tent before her.

"Eragon, Arya, I am glad to find that you-" Nasuada's salutations were cut off as she suddenly found herself plummeting towards the ground with the force of an overly enthusiastic tackle-hug.

"I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I REALLY RESPECT YOUR SELF-SACRIFICE EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE WAY TO ANGSTY AND A HUGE CONTROL FREAK!" Someone screamed at her.

Slowly losing her ability to breathe due to the constricting arms around her, Nasuada astonishingly gathered the breath to hiss, "_What_?"

"Pie, you must let go of my liegelord, for I fear for her health…"

"In which case you'll have to kill me, yeah, yeah, I know." The mysterious person muttered, releasing Nasuada, who began to cough and choke for air.

Arya bent down to help the seething leader off of her feet, but before Nasuada could gather her will to order the strange girl before her to be flogged, Orrin spoke up, overcoming his original flabbergasted shock. "How _dare_ you take such a liberty with her, you wench!" He bellowed, shaking his fist at the girl indignantly, "Why, I ought to have you hanged for such an offence! Attacking the Lady Nasuada…" the king seemed at a loss for new words.

"OH MY GAWD ORRIN I DIDN'T EVEN SEE YOU STANDING THERE!" blurted the girl. She appeared to be readying herself for a second hug, but then stopped herself (much to Nasuada's surprise) and adopted a mildly ponderous expression. "Say, Orrin? Have you ever put something _alive_ into a vacuum?"

"_What_?" spluttered the King in a manner identical to Nasuada's earlier objection.

Wearing the look of one crestfallen, the girl murmured, "Oh… Well that's _one_ way to ruin my fun. Drat."

Having had quite enough of the insolent child, Nasuada reached for the dagger concealed in her bodice, but was stopped by Saphira's savage growl. _"You shall not harm her."_ Hissed the dragon, her sparkling azure eyes riveted on Nasuada's now-frozen hand, _"No one shall. Do not take offence at her odd mannerisms, for she is an exception to everything that once did, now, and will know."_

"That's right!" the girl confirmed, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet, "I'm special!"

**Eragon POV**

It was only his humble opinion, but Eragon thought Pie might have overdid it with her obsession of hugging armed strangers. Orrin still didn't react well to the experience even _after_ the entire situation had been explained to him. It was a "preposterous, superfluous display of affection that was not reciprocated'" as he put it.

But, overcoming the initial trauma, Nasuada hadn't cared that she had been hugged. She didn't even mind Pie's rather unnerving explanation of "you guys just really need hugs". No, all that Nasuada had really been concerned with was what Pie could do to end the war in the Varden's favor.

"Uhm…" Pie stuttered, "I could… uh… well… maybe I… could provide moral support?" she finished lamely.

"You could learn to use the Afylk that suddenly appeared in your bag." Suggested Eragon, rather unhelpfully.

"Yes, and yet another mindless killing machine will help you _so_ much." Snapped Pie, her voice drenched in sarcasm. "Really, this is coming from the guy who cried like a baby when a certain someone pointed out the age difference between them."

"Hey I didn't-" Eragon protested, flushing a brilliant scarlet at the mention of the certain… incident, with Arya.

"You did."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Di-"

"Enough!" Arya snapped with finality, emerald eyes flashing a bit.

Feeling quite frantic, Eragon did as she asked, his skin still burning unpleasantly from his own embarrassment. Nasuada and Orrin were watching on with curiosity, while Saphira was failing miserably at hiding her amused guffaws, leaving Eragon feeling quite betrayed.

Then, Pie asked of him suddenly, "Eragon, what am I thinking?"

The man simply looked at her, too wise by now to question anything that was regurgitated out of the girl's mouth.

"Like, what's up in my mind? Can you get in?"

Frowning, Eragon sent his mind out after hers. He was proud of the fact that he had never done so before this point, for the fascinating brunette's thoughts were a temptation to him. She behaved so strangely that he had long wanted an explanation, but he had restrained himself from invading her privacy.

But now, when he reached towards her mentally, he was practically slapped with… Pie. It was the best defense ever. Her consciousness thrummed with a head-splittingly loud melody that, while beautiful, was quite powerful. Eragon paused in his investigation to listen to it. A haunting medley of sounds of the like that he had never heard before, the music swelled and faded with each different tone, layers of sound piling on top of one another before subtly being pulled away again in such a manner that you wouldn't notice immediately, but would eventually, and you would miss it. The melody's pace altered many times, into what Eragon suspected were different songs, as the feelings they kindled within him ranged from the happy to the sad, the proud to the desperate. Fighting his way through the music, the rider attempted to seek out Pie's inner self, but found he could not. There was nothing but sound. No up, no down, and no time.

He was awoken by a sharp slap to the face.

"Eragon! Eragon, can you hear me?" Arya's voice was tinged with slight panic.

"What was that for?" the rider whined, rubbing his stinging cheek. Elf-slaps hurt. They hurt very badly.

Suddenly, he realized that everyone in the pavilion was staring at him. "Well, you've been lost in my head for the past twenty minutes, that's all." Pie butted in. She looked very scared, and her voice was quavering slightly.

Eragon frowned. "Sorry." He mumbled, "I didn't know any time had passed."

"Well…" she laughed nervously, "I… I guess that's _one_ question answered. That… that my mind is safe, right?"

"Very." Eragon confirmed massaging his temples. "I couldn't find it at all. Just… music."

"Music?" demanded Nasuada, appearing skeptical. "You were incapacitated by _music_?"

"Do _you_ want to try it, human?" Arya retorted, suddenly springing to Eragon's defense. "I daresay you do not. Eragon had tangled with a Shade, and if _he_ says that Pie's mind is unsafe, I believe him."

The tent was overcome by a universal blink.

"Very well." Nasuada ceded. Eragon assumed that she was about to say something else when she was interrupted by Pie, who clearly had something to add. He doubted it had anything to do with the current conversation.

**SimplySupreme POV**

SimplySupreme could almost feel the lightbulb erupting into existence above her head, fully lit. Her mind was perilous, and therefore could not be broken. Nasuada wanted results, and Saphira was lonely, being the only dragon on the good-guy side. And SimplySupreme was right here. _Lightbulb!_

"Waitwaitwait I have a _plan_!" she squealed, clapping her hands together, tawny eyes shining with excitement, "I know how I can help you!"

Orrin raised an eyebrow. "I'm listening."

Grinning, SimplySupreme took a breath and stated, "I am going to Uru'bean."

A massive tidal wave of protests erupted almost immediately, threatening to swamp the fifteen-year-old girl with the incredible negativity.

"Hear me out!" she shouted above the cacophony, and the room gradually settled down to a dull roar. "Now," she began calmly, "my plan is this. I go to Uru'bean. I will then immediately begin to work on a way in which to sneak into the castle, the goal being to steal the last dragon egg."

A collective intake of breath sounded around SimplySupreme, who silently grinned at the effect she had. Ah, the beauty of shock value.

"I might even be able to nab a few… uhm…" She had almost mentioned the Eldunari in front of Orrin, "draconic artifacts… stones, jewels and such. Ya' know, the usual useless stuff that would never, _ever_ add to Galbatorix's power or anything like that."

Saphira hissed.

"That's a very vague plan." Orrin commented, oblivious. "Before I lend you my approval I would have a few concerns addressed. As in, can we trust you?"

SimplySupreme grinned. "No. But you have to anyways."

"How will you protect yourself?" challenged Arya.

Drawing the Afylk, the girl glanced excitedly at the intricately crafted blades. "Like Eragon said, with these. I doubt they are normal weapons."

Curiously, the elf woman eased them out of SimplySupreme's hands and examined them. "In this, I am rather inclined to agree with you." She noted softly, "I do not recognize the magic imbuing the blades, but they are powerfully named. _Truth_, the left, and _Purity_, the right."

"Cliché much?" the rouge author muttered to herself as she took the weapons back, silver sheen gently illuminating her face as she peered briefly at them, and sheathed them once more.

_"_Ah, but who shall accompany you on this venture? Surely you cannot go alone." Eragon threw this into the conversation triumphantly, certain this would dissuade the girl.

SimplySupreme smiled to herself. She had a feeling that she knew _exactly_ who her companion should be. "Elva will." She stated matter-of-factly, causing yet another mild uproar.

_"Are you sure, brave one?"_ Saphira's logical words rose above all others. _"Elva is not like you or I. She is… different. Chances are that she will not take to you, much less accept the mission you propose. And she is dangerous, as much as I hate to say it. She is dangerous and not to be trusted."_

"She would do it for _you_ Saphira." Pie retorted soothingly. "She would do much for you, and I am fairly certain that she and I will be able to get along. I am aware of her sufferings, and am tolerant of them. But I am also aware that she has a very special gift, one that may prove useful as we go."

"Not to be rude," Nasuada cut in after a prolonged silence, "but I don't trust either one of you. I would prefer there to be another chaperone."

"_As would I."_ Saphira's eyes softened, "_But not for the reasons you think."_

SimplySupreme frowned. If she was forced to travel with one of those pungent dudes outside, she might just barf.

"Eragon," came Arya's fluted murmur as she riveted her eyes on said rider with slight mischief, "How about Althenin?"

The rider paused, and then grinned wolfishly. "Blodhgarm!" he called, striding to the tent entrance and sticking his head out, "Will you summon Althenin for me?"

The canvas walls of the pavilion muffled the other elf's reply, but SimplySupreme determined that it must have been an affirmative, as Eragon pulled back in appearing satisfied. "He will only be a moment."

True to Eragon's word, it only took the relatively short span of ten minutes for an elf unfamiliar to SimplySupreme to step into the room. This was, she assumed, the one known as Althenin. He appeared to be about to inquire as to why he had been summoned, but he was cut off by a scream.

Now normally, there was very little in existence that could have diverted SimplySupreme's attention from Althenin. Muscular, starlight-haired, and kind-faced, the elf with the dancing sapphire eyes was perhaps the most gorgeous specimen of male that the teen had ever seen in her life. But sure enough, just as she was only beginning to admire him, SimplySupreme felt a slight tickle on her arm. Looking down, she was confronted with perhaps the one thing that she feared most in the entire universe. It was a _spider,_ and it was_ touching_ her.

Hence her brain-damagingly loud scream of absolute terror. "OHMYGAWDITSASPIDERGETIT_OFF_GETIT_OFF_GETIT_OFF_!" she howled, frozen in place with horror and sobbing.

For a split second, every being in the tent seemed to reach for some form of weapon, but then the word _spider_ registered in their minds and they all began to laugh pitilessly at the girl.

It was some time later that Arya finally took mercy on Pie and brushed the unfortunate arachnid off of her arm, still chuckling, "Attacked by a dragon, and she's laughing like a lunatic! Touched by a little spider, and she weeps like a child!"

Furiously, SimplySupreme scrubbed the tears from her hot face.

What a great first impression to make on a hot elf that she would soon be travelling with!

She was going to _die_.

**_I secretly always wanted to be buddies with Elva, and yes, I cry when spiders touch me. :)_**

**_Replying to WhiteWinterStar...  
>Ugh I can't STAND white chocolate because it is such a lie for not being chocolate! It's like your parents telling you they'll buy you a puppy but you just end up with a plastic 99 cent one from Walmart! *ugh* I'm excited for your plans though, I am REALLY looking forward to this chick fight yeah! And I'm also excited for my guest star appearence in Pieces of the Truth, because I've never been in anyone elses fic before. :) Carry on, my good writer!<em>**

**_Replying to RestrainedFreedom...  
>Oh no, she's not there to intentionally annoy, she just REALLY enjoys it! :) And you must hang out with some REALLY sensitive girls. It COULD have been taken that way, but I'm not that aggressive and PMSy lmao!<em>**

**_Replying to Writer of the North...  
>Haha s'all good! I would have sent you 15 already except I have been to busy to write, and have insane writer's block when I DO have time! I promise you'll get it soon though. :) And have you seen if Pie In The Face has any recent activity? I think she died... :(<em>**

**_Replying to DarknessBecomesMe...  
>Oh hey team Pyrite is my beta team for IAA! (A combination of Pie in the Face and Writer of the North. Clever, no?) XD<em>**

**_Replying to Inkweaverabc...  
>I think Arya might stab me. She's a pretty scary chick! :)<em>**

**_Replying to Liza...  
>AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH NNNNNNOOOOOO NOT MY CHOCOLATE! HERE! HERE IS A CHAPTER AND LEAVE MY CHOCOLATE ALONEEEEE! :) Heehee I'm a bit protective of my chocolate...<em>**

_Every time you leave without reviewing a bit of chocolate is thrown away! So review! Please! Think of the women and children of the chocolate universe!_


	5. I Cure Alcoholism!

**_Wow a new record of 12 reviews for the last chapter! Thanks guys! *bruses tear from eye* Did any of you hear about the weird priest in Cali that decided today was Judgement day? Apparently, the dead are going to rise and it will be Hell on Earth until Oct. 21 when the world will end. Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'm watching Zombieland tonight to brush up on my undead-fighting skills. Always be prepared! :)_**

**_Y'all ready fo' dis? (excuse my gangstah vernacular) A new chapter! *applause* "Why thank you. Thank you very much." *bad Elvis impression*_**

**_IMPORTANT! If any of you are readers of I Am Arya or even just have an opinion, I put up a poll for who should be the rider of the green egg. I couldn't quite make up my mind, so I was all like, "Eh, lettem pick." I will love you forever if you vote, and love you for twice that much if you review any of my stories as well!_**

**_Rawk on my lovely readers! :)_**

**Althenin POV**

"Forgive me, but I'm experiencing a bit of difficulty in processing your request." Althenin paced back and forth across the floor, noting with irritation that his every movement was being tracked by the amber eyes of the girl in the corner he was fairly certain was a hallucination. But then again, he doubted his own ability to create something so… weird. Of course, the girl was only as strange as the request that had just been made of him. "You wish for me to go to _Uru'bean_ and _steal a dragon egg_ with the assistance of only a cursed human child and…" the elf glanced helplessly at the brown-haired girl, "_her_… whatever she is. If I have committed a crime or offended you in some way I would rather you punish me publicly and humiliatingly rather than send me out on a suicide mission in the role of babysitter." Honestly. He was young, but he was worth more than that.

"Hey!" the girl exclaimed, appearing slightly offended, "A little faith, if you please! I'm right _here_ you know! And I have a _name_."

Her voice was just as obnoxious offended as it was terrified. If Althenin was in a better mood, he might have thought differently, as the strange creature wasn't unattractive, but his mood was quite poor indeed. She irked him. "Certainly you have a name. Even the horses bear them." He snapped at her, and then directing his attention back to the pair of Shadeslayers before him, who both wore faintly disappointed expressions, he pleaded, "Shadeslayers I beg of you your empathy, for I would know what grievance I have committed."

Saphira the great azure dragoness growled deeply at Althenin, who paled slightly.

"_You wish to know your offence?" _she hissed, her temper obviously faring no better than Althenin's, _"Of which are you speaking? Insulting my rider's intelligence, as well as Arya-friend-of-my-heart's? Or do you refer to the haughty attitude you bear towards Pie, who has not wronged you, and is more important than you _ever_ will be? Between the two, I cannot determine for which I shall burn you."_

Midnight blue eyes widening with warranted fear, Althenin took a step back. He had never heard Saphira make such a lengthy speech before.

Stiffly, the elf bowed to each of the offended in turn, silvered hair brushing his chin each time he did so. "My apologies for my rudeness. I was simply taken aback by your unusual request." He smoothed over with eloquence classic to his species, angled features the picture of repentance. With just one small breath, he eased his irritation away, finding that beneath it was a mounting curiosity. Whoever this… Pie… turned out to be, she was obviously not an average young woman.

"That's chill man." Said young woman fluted brightly, suddenly appearing at his right elbow. "You aren't the first person I've freaked out today." Grinning mischievously at the expression on Althenin's face, one that betrayed the fact that he was confounded, she made childish little claws with her hands and waved them about. "See? Rawr!"

**Arya POV**

As far as Arya could tell, Pie and Althenin were going to get along in an… unorthodox way. But they would get along nonetheless. This probably would have to do with the eventual product of Althenin's grudging awe and Pie's… well there really weren't words for that child.

"I shall ask Elva here momentarily," Nasuada's voice wormed its way through Arya's musings as the dark-skinned leader of the Varden addressed Eragon and Saphira, "and she should come. I haven't the audacity to simply summon her like I would anyone else, so she retains the power to decline my invitation, but I doubt she will. Elva is, despite anything else, curious. And with any luck, Saphira will be able to convince her to accompany Pie."

Arya threw a glance at the teen who was bouncing around the pavilion like a possessed rabbit and running her tireless mouth at a floundering Althenin.

"I suggest she isn't introduced to Pie until she has agreed to do so." Arya muttered grimly to Eragon, who sniggered. But the elf woman received her due punishment for this as, for what seemed the thousandth time, Pie's ever-increasing velocity sent her cannoning into Arya. True to previous incidents, the both of them slammed into the ground, and Arya was forced to listen to her profuse apologies and promises that _this_ time it would never happen again.

Why her?

**SimplySupreme POV**

In her own defense, Arya was _not_ very fun to collide with. The elf was always put in a bad mood by the reoccurring incident, not to mention the fact that elves are _skinny_. Arya had very little body fat to cushion the impact; so running into her was a bit like running into a wall, or possibly a moss-covered tree. Neither of these possibilities were particularly pleasant, nor was the actual experience.

But SimplySupreme was not one to be overly bothered by physical pain, so after completing the ritual of apologies, she leapt back to her feet and attempted to resume zooming around Nasuada's cramped red tent.

"You're a bit of a menace." Eragon commented, catching her by her elbow so as not to afford her the opportunity to resume gaining speed.

Struggling briefly against his iron grip, SimplySupreme then resigned herself to capture and pouted, "But I've been sitting on a dragon _all day_ with _nothing to do_ but bother Arya which isn't very fun because she's _way_ too easy to get mad and I like her anyways! And the day before _that_ I was on Saphira too and clouds are both boring _and_ wet!"

The girl watched with interest as Arya massaged her temples out of pure exasperation, but was soon distracted again. She freely admitted to herself that she had the attention span of a goldfish unless something important was going on, and at the moment, she noted nothing of undue importance.

"How about you go and get ready then?" Nasuada interjected in a slightly desperate tone of voice.

SimplySupreme raised an eyebrow at her. But no one else in the tent seemed at all bothered by the suggestion. "Get ready for _what_?"

"A bit of a celebration is going to be held tonight in honor of the Shadeslayers' return. I assumed you would like to attend."

Suspiciously, the girl eyed Nasuada. "If you are trying to get me to leave, just say so."

"Partially…" Nasuada ceded, "But the invitation to the celebration stands true. And would it not be fitting to indulge in some revelry before you leave on your mission?"

Well _someone_, namely, _Nasuada_, was a slippery one. Did she have an ulterior motive? SimplySupreme would bet two chocolates that she was being _much_ too nice to her, because frankly, she was obnoxious. But she felt better about the situation when Eragon informed Althenin that from this moment forward, he was to make sure Pie stayed out of trouble. The teen supposed that someone to stop her from blowing up the world would be a good thing, and it didn't hurt that that someone was extremely attractive.

"You may make use of my tent for now, Pie." Arya told her flatly, "I shall see you at the celebration."

And that was that.

**Random Dude POV**

Most certainly he was dreaming. He could be dying, but Random Dude didn't fancy that option, and so he pleaded for mere dreaming. Flouncing through the camp, just through a few of the tents before him, was what he assumed was a girl. But she was cleaner than many of the girls he had ever seen, and she wore trousers, like a man. But they were clearly meant for a very feminine man, as they fit her perfectly, and she herself looked nothing like a man. She trailed happily after an apprehensive-looking elf, swinging a bright blue bag back and forth as she tripped along.

But before Random Dude could do a double take, the strange apparition had vanished on its way.

Right then and there, he swore off mead.

**SimplySupreme POV**

The verdict on Arya's tent? Pretty dang boring, actually. SimplySupreme decided right as she walked in that the conservative furnishings and sparse decoration were something that would need to be supplemented in the future if she were ever to set foot into the cramped two-man space ever again again.

"You may rest and do as you please here." Came Althenin's commentary from her side, "We shouldn't need to leave for another hour yet." The elf hesitated, looking at her, as if he were unsure how to approach the girl before him. But he seemed to come to a decision as he said in an entirely different tone of voice, "I do apologize for my immediate and poor judgment of you. I am able to discern now my gaffe, but then I believed myself to be acting appropriately."

SimplySupreme winced in sympathy. She had heard Saphira's oh-so-subtle rebuke, and she didn't envy the one on the receiving end of it. "I would never hold it against you." She murmured, "What kind of world would it be if we were never able to learn from our mistakes? That would _suck_."

All right, she was pretty pleased with how wise and deep that came out.

Smiling tentatively, Althenin agreed, "Yes, that would 'suck', which is, I assume, a word of negative connotation."

"It is." SimplySupreme conrmed, laughing a little as the silver-haired elf ducked from the tent, assuring her that he would be within hearing distance if she had need of him.

With a light sigh, SimplySupreme scuffed her foot in the dirt, bored and a little bummed Althenin hadn't stayed. But while she was here, she decided she might as well get a little nosy and root through Arya's stuff. Stupid Christopher Paolini had never written a chapter from her point of view, and the teen wanted to know more about her favorite character, the snooty elf princess.

Carelessly, she chucked her backpack into a corner and began to rummage through a little box she had found sitting on a small table. It was full of little things like pressed flowers and scraps of paper bearing unfinished poetry, and at the bottom were a few fairths of Arya's family and (who she assumed were) friends from Ellesmira.

Sweet. Not very helpful, but sweet.

In a moment of impressive déjà vu, SimplySupreme sighed and scuffed her converse in the dirt. Throwing a baleful glance at her backpack, she decided just to put on her dress and get it over with.

Time to show the Varden her gorgeous farmer's tan.

**Random Guy POV**

Would it be too much to ask if a man could relax and drink in peace? Apparently yes. "Honest to goodness, if you don't stop drinking, you'll start seeing things just the same as I did!" Random Guy's cousin, Random Dude, scolded him, yanking away his mead. "It ain't good for you, is all!"

"Oh I won't be coddled by the likes o' you. Give it back." Random Guy complained loudly, reaching for his flask that his cousin held tantalizingly out of reach. Honestly, his aggressor's head wasn't quite right if he thought the mead would be harmful to him. Random Guy could hold his drink as well as any dwarf, and they were no slackers. "Yer makin' a fool outta yerself. I won't be askin' you again to give back the flask."

The refusal was adamant, and Random Guy was just about to start throwing punches when, not twelve feet in away from him, a girl emerged from between a couple of tents on the arm of an elf. Now, this would have been unusual in itself without the short bright yellow dress, painted face (were her eyelids _purple_?) and pristine white shoes that left most of her foot open to the air. What was the point of such shoes? Why not go barefoot? She was singing softly to herself a bizarre song that had even the elf raising his eyebrows, which was no mean feat.

With surprising speed, Random Guy snatched his flask out of Random Dude's hand as the latter stared after the girl, slack-jawed, and began to pour its contents out onto the ground.

**Saphira POV**

Even from hundreds of feet in the air, spotting Pie among the tents of the Varden was proving easier than tracking a drunken party of Galbatorix's pompous soldiers in their vibrant crimson tunics. All along her path of travel the hordes of people surrounding her stilled for a minute or two, staring after the strange sight. Saphira sighed. Now someone knew how she felt, even though she was far more beautiful than any human ever could be.

"_Saphira, why didn't you wait for me?" _Complained Eragon from his place on the ground, _"I would have liked to fly."_

The dragon snorted. _"You were much too slow leaving Arya, and have missed your opportunity. I wanted to watch for Pie. If she really can free the last egg, she must be kept safe until then."_

"_I'm certain that Althenin is more than capable of that task."_

"_And _I'm _certain that two is a far safer number than one."_

"_Suit yourself Saphira. I'll meet you at the clearing."_

With that, Eragon, her other half, withdrew into himself. Saphira didn't much mind though. Even a rider must have time to think on his own; she couldn't do _all_ the work for him.

Circling high in the air, Saphira eyed the little yellow dot that was Pie weaving through the ever-thickening crowds to the clearing where the revelry had only just begun. Knowing that Eragon was right about the girl's safety and knowing for herself were two entirely different things.

"_Are you finding the Varden to your taste, Pie?" _Saphira asked, reaching down to the girl's foggy head and tossing her words at her.

"_They drink far too much."_ Pie responded with a chuckle, _"Don't lose yourself among all of the inebriation, all right Saphira? I know you fancy yourself quite the scientist, but I'm pretty sure that you have definitively proved that dragons can't bow_."

**_All right, who just wants Pie to go and kick butt already? Haha next chapter I pwomiseeee! :P_**

**_Replying to HeadInTheClouds...  
>The women and children thank you. *sniffle* It's just so... moving! I'm glad you care!<em>**

**_Replying to Silimaria...  
>Mostly classical, but also with touches of rock, jazz, and pretty much anything except country. I'm a musician and listner of eclectic taste. :)<em>**

**_Replying to Inkweaverabc...  
>Hmm... I don't know. I guess sinse he was always described as a little immature that just how I pictured him. You can check in the book and correct me if you want but I generally don't write about him.<em>**

**_Replying to doesntmatter...  
>Aw... I think you matter! Don't let anyone tell you that you don't matter! XD<em>**

**_Replying to Just me again...  
>Yup, I'm pretty random. And it wasn't on PURPOSE there was a SPIDER! (Spiders happen. What can I say?) As for the books, no, I'm not a book psychic, but I have plans, never fear! :) And I doubt music can kill anything, unless it's country music, which murders just about everything in range. :P I'm glad you liked it despite the random! <em>**


	6. I ride a species confused horse!

**_Hey people! :) How's it goin'? I myself am fantastic, because it's summer break. I'm in PE summer school so I can take spanish 5-6, so I can't sleep in, but I'm still happy. And I know this chapter is short, but it's ending point is ok I think. :)_**

**_Wanna hear something funny? I'm sick as heck and yet oddly hyper. How does that even happen? But whatev, right? I'm just odd._**

**_Odd like you will see below! Happy reading! :D_**

**Arya POV**

"Good morning Sunshine! The Earth says hello!"

With an unintelligible moan, Arya curled onto her side and clutched at her pounding head, desperately willing away the chipper girl that was bouncing around within her tent.

"Wake-y wake-y! The birds are singling; the sun is shining; Pie has bedhead!"

"Leave me alone." The elf woman grumbled, not bothering to crack her eyelids.

But she did _not _appreciate being poked in the face.

"Too much Faelnirv? Arya, I expected better."

"So did I." whimpered the elf pathetically. Certainly she had had a marvelous time the night before at the celebration in honor of Eragon and herself, but in the midst of her awful hangover, she doubted it was worth it.

"This is why I don't drink. But even so, I recommend tea." Pie said wisely, "It always makes life better." With a light grunt, she took Arya's shoulders and pulled her upright, leaning her up against one of the supporting poles as she trotted of, presumably to prepare tea.

It was almost immediately that Arya fell back asleep, and she was only woken when a string of extremely colorful curses exploded from the general direction of Pie, followed by a great crash. Suddenly alert, the green-eyed elf shot up straight and clutched at her side where her sword normally hung. Pie was staggering on her feet in a respectable attempt to keep her newly brewed tea in its kettle as the contents of Arya's pack spewed across the floor as she tripped over it. "Sorry! Oh, I'm sorry!" she wailed. But surprisingly, she saved the tea.

"It's alright." Arya replied, wearily accepting a cup of the steaming liquid and clutching it to her. Taking a sip, she realized with surprise that it was very good, despite the fact that she had no idea how Pie had managed to heat the water all by herself. She didn't seem very proficient in everyday tasks.

"Oh no…" Pie murmured in a crestfallen tone, jolting Arya from her rather derogatory musings.

Gently, the elf placed her tea to the side and slipped to the floor where Pie was desperately attempting to sweep up the shattered remains of a fairth that had been tucked into her pack. "No need to apologize." She reassured the girl, who appeared extremely upset at the destruction she had caused. "This was merely an image of my parents. There are many more like it, and I myself can easily make another."

"At… at least this one is only chipped in one corner." Sniffled Pie in a very small voice, delicately lifting a smaller fairth from the ground where it lay in the aftermath of the girl's tripping. But seeing what the image was, she stiffened, shocked. "Arya…" she began in amazement.

A hot flush crept up the elf's neck (even though there really was no reason for this) but she maintained her cool façade and said evenly, "There is nothing to that. Now I suggest you depart. Althenin is waiting for you outside. Good luck, Pie, on your mission. I have little doubt that you will succeed."

Reluctantly, Pie handed back the fairth, which Arya neatly tucked back into her pack out of the sight of prying eyes. Then, before she could defend herself, the elf was caught into another hug (courtesy of Pie). For a moment, she just sat there, surprised. But once that moment had passed, she returned the hug. Why not?

"Thank you." Came Pie's faint utterance before she released her, snagged her bag, and vanished outside.

With a light sigh, Arya sat back against the frame of her cot and resumed nursing her tea. She couldn't believe that she would think such, much less admit to it, but she _did_ like Pie.

She would miss her.

**Althenin POV**

With an uneasy glance at the girl beside him, Althenin continued on his way to fetch Pie, careful to match his step to his new companion's. He didn't know if he liked her very much, as her knowing smiles and uncomfortable silences frankly unnerved him. But Althenin was not one to judge unfairly. Elva couldn't help the way she was, and she certainly wasn't all bad. Her prowess was, to say the least, incredible, and Althenin suspected that behind her snide expression lay a person more sensitive and caring than most humans.

But then again, that was just a theory.

"I hope you aren't obnoxious, elf. I promise you _will_ regret it; and I'm only here because Angela told me that this foolhardy venture would be _character building _and _educational_." She spat irritably, shorter legs moving twice as fast as his longer ones.

"I suppose it _will_ be just as she says, if you look at it correctly." Althenin commented, unsure of what to say to this.

But Elva seemed to know exactly what to make of him. "Numbnuts." She muttered condescendingly, just loud enough that he could hear, causing the elf to flush red. But his embarrassment was short lived (perhaps a bit of a lie, but he was at least distracted from it) as Pie suddenly materialized before him, and Althenin caught his breath at her appearance. He was accustomed to the girl being dressed in bright, ostentatious outfits that stood out in a crowd of any size, but not necessarily in a bad way. And yet today, in the coppery rays of the rising sun, he saw that the teen's bubbly getup had been replaced with garments of a much more normal kind, albeit not by much. She wore pieces that were common among those in the Varden, despite the fact that many were intended exclusively for male use. This included a soft green tunic, black leather leggings, sturdy running boots, an intricately stitched belt, a black leather headband, and a pair of blades that Althenin recognized immediately.

"Afylk." He murmured gently, surprised, "You carry Afylk."

Pie smiled sadly at him, her chocolate eyes twinkling brightly. "Let's hope I can use them. My being a klutz and all, I'll probably take you out instead of whoever happens to be attacking me."

Althenin barely had time to look horrified before Elva spoke up sharply, "You instill me with _so _much confidence."

"Neither do you." Pie replied easily.

"Pardon?"

"You're pint-sized."

"How _dare_ you? And that shouldn't matter!"

"You're also two years old."

"_Two and three quarters!"_

"I'm proud of you Elva."

There was murder in the child's violet eyes. Althenin wondered if he should intervene.

Pie just grinned broadly. "You're just as much fun as I thought you'd be. I'm Pie. Delighted to make your acquaintance." Unhesitatingly, she stuck out her little hand in invitation for Elva to shake. And in a moment unfathomable to Althenin, the smaller girl with the silvered brow took it gladly, with her only comment being one derogatory to Pie's admittedly ridiculous name.

The elf couldn't say that he was so thrilled when Elva turned back to _him_ however. "Well, are you going to stand there all day with your mouth hanging open? Come on Numbnuts, you're supposed to be taking us to get horses so we can leave!" she snapped at him, causing Pie to giggle a little.

Wordlessly, Althenin nodded and turned towards the temporary stables and paddocks of the cavalry, Pie tripping along behind him in a bubbly way. And Elva followed with an exasperated sigh. He was a good elf. He really was. Althenin didn't know why he had to be the one to endure this punishment, but despite quite a bit of time squandered on plotting to escape it, he still hadn't found a way to do so. How proud would his parents be? He, Althenin, was a babysitter. Joy.

**SimplySupreme POV**

Horses! SimplySupreme was absolutely giddy. She loved the creatures, and between both the Varden and Surda, there were hundreds of them. Large, with dusty coats, Althenin led her and her new BFF, Elva, through winding passages of fencing to which the beasts were tied. Many of them were still asleep.

"Which one is mine? I have a horse at home, but obviously, I need a new one." She asked of Althenin quietly, so as not to disturb them.

The elf cocked his head at her, stopping. "I didn't know you rode."

"I do. At home, I would ride five days a week." she admitted with a pearly smile, "It… riding always calms me. It's something that I love." Self-consciously, SimplySupreme glanced down at her feet as even Elva was at a loss for a snarky comment. Admittedly she was a chipper person, but it was always slightly embarrassing to her when the depth of her personality shocked people. Her cheeks felt quite warm.

But mild relief flooded her when Althenin, grin flaunting his own white teeth, stated, "Well I suppose we'll have to find you a good horse then."

SimplySupreme beamed at him, quite pleased that the elf was being so kind to her. He _was_ very handsome, and it was thrilling that he wasn't _too_ repulsed by her.

"This is a _lovely_ and _heart-warming _conversation you two," Elva cut in irritably, "but we _really_ must depart. Just pick a thrice-damned horse!"

Althenin glared at the dark-haired girl, and SimplySupreme blushed again. Now, when she blushed, she _really_ blushed. SimplySupreme was naturally a very red person, and while most people blushed 'to the roots of their hair' she blushed over her entire scalp. And the redder she became, the more embarrassed she became, causing her to redden still further. It was pretty funny, but never at the moment.

"That's a lovely color Pie." Elva cackled at her.

"Oh, shut it."

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><p>All right, perhaps naming the horse Kitty made it sound species-confused, but SimplySupreme kind of liked it. Kitty did too.<p>

"Pie, _why _did you name that poor mare _Kitty_?" Elva's oddly adult voice drifted back to SimplySupreme through the rush of air that the galloping horses provided, lilting up and down with the their gait.

But Althenin just laughed, as did Pie. Kitty whinnied, tossing her dapple-grey head high-spiritedly as she tore after the elf's chestnut mare, Beka, and Elva's roan stallion, Hyan. Hair whipping about her head, SimplySupreme looked ahead of her eagerly as the diverse, foliaged terrain flew by. She would miss Eragon, Arya, and Saphira very much. Especially Saphira. But the girl could barely contain her excitement at the thought of her new adventure.

God, she was an idiot.

"Come on Kitty!" she called out gleefully as she raced ahead of her companions and into a small copse of trees, laughing as she turned on the horse's back to look at their faintly exasperated expressions. But all of a sudden, they changed from expressions of bemusement to expressions of horror.

Elva, aside from appearing horrified, wore wrath upon her young features. "Pie! Stop! Soldiers!" she called out desperately.

"_What_?"

**Elva POV**

Stupid girl. Stupid, _stupid_ girl. The trees. She _had_ to go into the trees. Those trees that were the _perfect_ hiding place for enemies, and she rode _right_ into them.

_Right_ into them.

And, of course, there were enemies. Because a copse of trees in Alagaesia could never be a copse of trees, it _had_ to be teeming with enemies.

And Pie's reaction to the sudden multitude of swords, spears, and arrows pointed at her? A lovely, head splitting scream of "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!" Elva knew that she would scream much louder however, because Kitty didn't like all of the weapons either. Kitty was the smarter of the two, and decided to run away. Pie however, apparently decided that she'd rather stay, and toppled off of the terrified mare's back, right onto her butt.

"Ow…" she muttered, looking up at the twenty-some soldiers in an offended sort of way, as if her falling was entirely their fault (which in a way, it was).

But Elva didn't wait much longer for her to make a fool of herself, and instead rode Hyan right up to the snarling soldiers and told them in a chilling voice, "I can tell you right now that you're going to die. You won't surrender to us, so I'll just start out by killing you." With that, she drew her bow and shot the nearest soldier right between the eyes, and his friend after that.

It was probably a good thing that Pie fainted dead away. It gave her and Numbnuts time to kill the other soldiers and calm down Kitty.

Leave it to Pie to be annoying in her sleep. She talked nonsense. _Loud_ nonsense.

Why her?

**_All right, Kitty is my new favorite! :) My lil species-confused horse... *hearts*_**

**_Replying to RestrainedFreedom...  
>Yellow dresses ARE pretty scary... XD<em>**

**_Replying to HeadInTheClouds...  
>You know, the songs are a great idea. I'm thinking next chapter... :P<em>**

**_Replying to Inkweaverabc...  
>Yep, but I have a bit of maturity issues to overcome a little huh? :) But don't worry, my clumsiness is endearing.<em>**

**_Replying to Silimaria...  
>Rawrawrawrawr! 8D<em>**

**_Replying to dabookmuncher...  
>Caz I can. :) I may or may not explain at the end! :P<em>**

**_Replying to TotallyRandomSolembum...  
>I wonder what was on the fairth that Pie found, hmm?<em>**

**_Replying to Elvandiath...  
>Aw... I like you too! :)<em>**

**_Replying to Wind God's Aria...  
>Maybe, you never know! :) I'm very glad you loved it so much! Genevieve says hi to Trix! 8D<em>**

_Anyone want to be loved forever? If you review that's what'll happen! :)_


	7. AN Don't worry!

This isn't super-bad news I promise.

Just wanted to let you all know that I may be behind in updating for a week or two. I have a longer author's note in _I Am Arya_ if you're curious as to why. Thanks to everyone who reviewed and everyone who reads! You guys mean a lot to me and I'll be seeing you in a week or two, all right? :)


	8. We Fill the Air with Blood and Birdsong

**First off, I think I owe all of you an apology. It's been a really, _really_ long time since I updated, due to an untimely bout of writer's block, and I feel absolutely terrible. But I'm updating now, so I hope it's ok. :(**

_**This chapter's really short, due to said writer's block (which I'm not entirely shot of, I just forced this out because I was mad at myself) so I apologize for that too, but it's better than nothing eh? It's more dramatic and serious than the others as well, so I hope none of you mind too much. I know I'm irritated at it right now, but I hope to update within a few weeks with something better for you. :) Enjoy!**_

* * *

><p><strong>SimplySupreme POV<strong>

Dras-Leona was a city of emo psychopaths. SimplySupreme didn't like it at _all_. And it wasn't that she didn't like emo people; it was the psychopath part she had a few issues with. It was that wild, megalomaniacal part of those irrational, barbaric Helgrind-worshippers that decided that cutting just wasn't good enough, and that hacking off entire _limbs_ would be a good idea. Let's be honest. The retards worshipped a _mountain_.

And then there was Althenin, trying to get her to wear a _dress_.

"I promise, Pie. It's only for a short while. You're rather conspicuous in the leggings." He wheedled, offering her a skirt to tie around her waist, which she eyed haughtily. He had been harping on the subject ever since the trio had arrived at the awful city a few hours before nightfall, having altered his own features so as to appear human. (This had included darkening his usually silver, starlit hair, which SimplySupreme didn't appreciate. Brown hair didn't suit him.) He had let it rest that evening, but today was a new day, and Althenin was apparently determined to make it full of the same old annoyances.

Carefully stepping around the elf as if he didn't exist, SimplySupreme crossed the room of the inn (which was quite boring, consisting of wood, wood, and more wood) and pulled the hood of a richly embroidered cloak (that she'd jacked from some rich drunken idiot who'd been hitting on her in the bar below their room in the inn the night before passing out) over her head, casting shadows over her face. "There." She said smugly. "I look just like any other emo—" At this point, a flock of birds burst out of the wood paneling of the walls, cawing loudly and effectively censoring the word she had used to describe the emo Helgrind-worshippers before circling around Elva's head and disappearing out the window. "—in this disgusting place. If they look too closely, I'll kick them in the—" One bird, who had been a little slower to get going than the rest, shrieked out a harsh call and bolted away.

Both Althenin and Elva were staring at SimplySupreme in open shock, and she raised an eyebrow at them in mild interest through her irritation. True, she generally didn't swear, but she didn't appreciate being forced to stay in the city where women were inferior creatures, just to 'avoid suspicion'. If some random civilian mentioned 'decent clothing' to her _one more time_…

"Well? Have we spent enough time here?" she demanded of Elva, who's violet eyes were still piercing her frame like little lances, grinning and tucking a strand of sunstreaked hair behind one ear. "I feel like I've been transported into a Kill Bill movie, not Alagaesia."

It was true. She'd seen a man the night before with only one leg, hopping around and seeming slightly dazed. Apparently, he'd just sacrificed the appendage a few days ago, and between the blood loss and all of the alcohol he'd been given by his admirers, he wasn't any better off than the katana-wielding ninjas of SimplySupreme's father's favorite movie.

But then again, Kill Bill was one of the many things that her companions had never experienced. "_Kill Bill?_" Elva pronounced carefully, rolling the words with distasted.

SimplySupreme rolled her eyes. "Exactly."

**Althenin POV**

All of the trouble could have been avoided _so easily_ if Pie had only swallowed a bit of her insufferable pride and tied on the—birds suddenly burst forth in Althenin's head, singing loudly enough to null his creative adjective—skirt! But _no_. She _had_ to wear the cloak she'd taken from that—once again, a few birds had been left behind, and took flight with a scream and a clatter—of a man who had made advances upon her the previous evening during their dinner and Althenin had discreetly disposed of with a muttered 'slytha'. (Followed, of course, with a swift kick in the ribs for good measure, just to prove his point.)

But of course, that—apparently, _this_ bird was the epitome of laziness, as he burst forth with a squawk only now—was someone with power. Of _course_ he would notice that he had been relieved of his fine dark cloak, because creepy men in bars couldn't be anyone _but_ incorrigible—the birds just kept on coming—with money.

One look at the cloak blithe Pie wore draped gracefully about her shoulders and the guards at the city gate halted her and Kitty at swordpoint. Elva had made to draw her bow, but she wasn't quick enough, and the guard ripped back the hood to reveal Pie's unquestionably feminine face.

The guard had then struck out at Pie with his armored fist contemptuously, catching her quite the blow in the side, and called her some very slanderous things that even the birds were disinclined to fly anywhere near. The girl had appeared startled, and even faintly amused at what had just happened, but Althenin took offence for her, and stepped between the two. But this, in hindsight, was the wrong decision. For Althenin, being so newly introduced to humans, was constantly forgetting how careless they were with life. And he would have been stabbed right then and there were it not for the sparkling silver blade that suddenly sprouted from his aggressor's neck, engraved with the elven rune for purity.

And it was the ensuing chaotic brawl that had gotten them into their current situation; galloping headlong from Dras-Leona, moving with all the speed they were worth. Elva was occupied with scouting out a safe route for the feet of their horses, leading the group, while Althenin rode in the back, constantly monitoring the wards he had placed over them as well as the minds of their pursuers. Pie was sandwiched in between them, muttering strange things to herself, the only bit of which Althenin recognized beneath the cawing of various avians was "Kill Bill" and "fairth". He had no idea what one had to do with the other, and he suspected Pie hadn't the slightest inkling either. Every once in a while, between the spontaneous, if not nearly constant, clamor of birds, she would shout out encouragement to them, or even to Beka, Hyan, and Kitty, and she continued to do so for hours until finally, _finally_ the soldiers of Dras-Leona abandoned the chase and the trio found a sheltered dip in the land, shielded from view on all sides by thin, scraggly trees, to make camp. Utterly exhausted, they picketed the heaving horses in a position that they could walk off the heat and drink from a nearby stream and collapsed on the ground weakly.

"You are complete _blockheads_!" Elva gasped, spluttering past a long draught from her waterskin, "_Both_ of you!"

Tactfully, Althenin ignored her and set about returning his face to its normal state. No matter the foolishness of this, he was uncomfortable as a human, especially after nearly being stabbed by one.

A soft sound to the elf's left caught his attention, and he noticed that Pie hadn't retorted either, which was most unlike her. She always seemed to be prepared for a battle of wits with Elva. Moving over to where she was huddled on the ground, arms wrapped around her torso, Althenin said quietly, "Thank you, Pie, for saving my life."

The teen gave him a watery grin that didn't seem entirely focused, and whispered, "You're welcome."

Althenin frowned at her. In all the days they had travelled together, she had never acted like this.

Apparently, this expression was somewhat comical, as Pie began to laugh wheezily at him, ending in a trembling cough. Althenin's heart skipped a beat as he heard just how shallow her breathing had become, and the rattling that sounded from her lungs. Horrified, with midnight blue eyes widening, the elf realized that blood was trickling out of the corner of the girl's mouth. Pie was hurt, and badly.

* * *

><p><strong>Dun-dun-duuuuunnnn! Cliffie! XD<br>I really shouldn't be that mean, but again, I have an insane block. Pathetic, I know. Short, I know. But hopefully this will help in updating in a more timely manner.**

_**Replying to Elvandiath...  
>Haha! That fairth is my little secret! *evil laughter*<strong>_

_**Replying to Disk 9...  
>What would your friend do if you called her an ostrich? Or a camel? O_o<strong>_

_**Replying to Totally Random Solembum...  
>Uh... Arya's not that dirty... but you're partially right! *winks*<strong>_

_**Replying to Sillimaria...  
>I think a cat named Feather is AWESOME! :D I have two cats. One's name is Rosie and the other is Boo, but we call him Satin most of the time because he's evil. XD<strong>_

_**Replying to Massa...  
>I'm so glad you liked it! :D This makes me happy...<strong>_

**And a shoutout to Justmeagain123 for complaining the longest and the loudest about my inactivity! :P**

_Is anyone out there still reading this? I really AM sorry... :( _


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